Women At Work: What’s Wrong With Being A Mother?

April 3, 2007

 

 Does what I’m about to say make me sexist? I hope not, I love women; mentally, emotionally, physically in every way they are everything that is good about the world. But something, somewhere along the way has gone wrong. I will try to explain and I hope you will understand.

I’m not religious and if pushed my views would favour evolution but even then I’m not sure, but I think this sets the scene. There is obviously a need, whatever your view of why we are here, God’s will or chance, that there are different sexes, male and female, man and woman. Both have attributes that have developed over millions of years and whether you believe Adam and Eve or a family of apes determine our origin, you cannot argue that we are different and different for a reason. Even the most ardent feminist would struggle to argue with the fact that women are designed for motherhood and that doesn’t stop at the physical act of pregnancy. Childbirth, weaning, feeding and caring for children right up to the point that the children can care for themselves is part of the internal programming that makes a woman female. 

The 20th century phenomenon of feminism has changed things forever and I don’t belive that it is a change for the best. There was a need for womens roles to be addressed, the vote and equal rights were only part of the things that had to be changed, but it’s gone too far. When did being a wife and mother become something to be avoided, sneered at or a sexist point of view. I am going to write this in bold because it is the crux of my argument. BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. It is not something to be fitted in around a career, it is not a fashion statement, it is not demeaning. It is vital, empowering, essential it is at the very core of society and where we need to be to begin putting then world back in line.

Women want to be builders, policemen, firemen, soldiers even recently beefeaters. This desperation to prove themselves in a man’s role is so misguided. What are you trying to prove? You are not designed for these roles but that doesn’t make you less worthy. You are capable of so much more, any idiot can lay bricks only a woman can create, nurture and develop a new life. You literally have the future of the world in your hands. Stop underselling this gift, this right, this destiny. 

Women need to be available for their children, children need the comfort of knowing a mother is there when they come home from school, with a decent meal for them, for conversation, development, education, life skills to be passed on. I cannot believe that this has become the radical point of view. Yes 21st century living throws up hundreds of obstacles, finances, time, peer pressure, consumerism, just the need to be everything to everyone; just be a mother you can’t achieve anything greater. Yes I am being slightly idealistic believing this is the answer to the worlds ills, it isn’t, but it’s a big start.

A man’s role in this is essential, men need to be supportive, protective, loyal, faithful, respectful. Understand that they are there for their family to provide a stable environment for the mother of their children to perform her role for the future of those children. That means not running when things start to get tough, not going after the first bit of skirt that flutters her eyelashes, being proud of being the man of the family and proud of his family. As far as I’m concerned marriage is a dead tradition, it doesn’t mean a thing any more. People get married for the day not for the rest of their lives, it’s time to just put family first not a marriage certificate. Marriage won’t teach your children anything, solid parenting, being there and setting the right example will

I’ll repeat that I cannot believe that my opinion has become the radical view and I repeat that a woman staying at home with her family is the very essence of being a woman, it is what society is built on and the day those foundation stones were first removed the house of mankind started to crumble. It’s time to start rebuilding and this is the most important job of all. It’s time to call in the builders and this time they can all be women.

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22 Responses to “Women At Work: What’s Wrong With Being A Mother?”

  1. gingermiss Says:

    Your argument ignores a multitude of things:

    – Men and women have different strengths, as you seem to believe. Women are a necessity in fields like science, government, religion, teaching, politics – ANYTHING – because their perspective is that of a woman. If they’re not there, this perspective is ignored, men continue to do what they want, and the perspectives, thoughts, concerns of women are ignored and treated with little respect or importance.

    – Being a builder/policemen/firemen/soldier – these vocations require more than the brute strength that men lord over women as the reason they shouldn’t be in them.

    – You say the world is crumbling now. The world was crumbling before – men just didn’t care, because the system they wanted was maintained. Domestic violence ran rampant and still does. Abortion was something to be pursued through back alley, surreptitious channels. There was no birth control pill. Lesbians had no rights. Women had no financial or property rights (and when they did get some, they were minimal.) ‘Justice’ for rape victims was a joke. I could continue on this path for a long, long time, but my point is illustrated.

    – You’re a man. You speak as man for what you feel like women should want. When women are regarded solely as ‘mothers’ they are confined to the domestic sphere, disregarded by the male working/power/authority world, and have little control over their own lives. Saying the primary role of a woman is to be a mother is minimizing, limiting, disdainful, and dismissive of everything that makes a woman more than an incubator.

    The most important thing that is conveyed to me by your entire argument lies in this sentiment: Why is it that you think you know what’s better for a woman than she does?

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I think it’s you that has missed the point,
    while I don’t agree with everything that is written here I feel that there are many very valid points.
    It should be a choice but a choice that should be made for the good and well being of the child, there are far to many children out there that are put in daycare from 6 weeks old from 8am until 6pm thats not a normal way to bring up a child no matter how much you dress it.
    It should always be the children that come first not a mother or father and definatly not a job that will always be there your children will not.
    Just one last question would you want to be rescued from a burning building by a female FIREMAN?

  3. gingermiss Says:

    Just one last question would you want to be rescued from a burning building by a female FIREMAN?

    Is this a joke?

    In a FIRE, I wouldn’t care if the person rescuing me were a woman or a man.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    No it really is not a joke, let me put it another way for you if you had a choice of a
    6ft 4in 15 stone man with the strength required to carry you from a burning building or 5ft 5in woman whatever weight she maybe who will not (or very very rarely) have the same strength.
    I know who I’d choose.

  5. gingermiss Says:

    They’re not going to hire someone who can’t do the job – and if they do, that’s wrong. Just like if they don’t hire a woman who CAN do the job just because she’s a woman.

  6. daveross Says:

    Well I knew this was an emotive subject and I applaud any open and frank discussion. There are several points from gingermiss that only go to confirm my view that being a mother is seen as a taboo by some women. My opinion isn’t based on what I think but bilogical, historical, physiological fact. I am not “dismissive of everything that makes a woman more than an incubator.” far from it women are empowered more by motherhood than in any other aspect of life but their right is still to make a choice. If your choice is not children but any employment you choose, as long as you are able to do it to the same level as the next applicant, male or female carry on. If you choose motherhood embrace it fully and ensure that the one thing completely unique to either sex is not diminished.

  7. gingermiss Says:

    I fully support women who want to be mothers and make motherhood their main priority. However, it puts them at a distinctive disadvantage. What if their husband walks out? What if their husband dies? What if they get divorced? Then they have no marketable experience, no training – nothing they can use to get a job which is both self-satisfying and capable of supporting a family. Promoting a society where a bulk of the women remain at home or in child-rearing roles is not only profoundly unfair, it’s a disservice to them.

    Why aren’t more men stay-at-home fathers? Why aren’t men expected to play an active role in rearing, caring for, and raising their children? I see that you encourage men to be “supportive” and fulfill all their other traditional fatherly responsibilities, but why don’t more men stay home with the children while the mother is the family breadwinner? Why isn’t that what they want?

    Regardless of what biological, historical, and physiological facts you believe you’re basing your argument on, you’re not a woman. You’ve never had the same experiences women have had in dealing with the prejudice, the pressure of motherhood, the lack of fulfillment many experience when all they’ve spent their lives doing is raising their children. Why do you think Empty Nest syndrome exists? Because women who transition out of their youth into marriage, have children, and have their whole lives revolve around their children for 20 or so years, have that entire atmosphere – that entire purpose – ripped away from them when their children leave home. Then they’re just expected to find something else to do.

    Men would never expect to be treated that way. They’d never expect to raise their kids thanklessly, be castigated and pounced upon when they have difficulties raising these children, have their entire lives defined by parenthood and have it be their only focus for 1/4 of their life, often more. Women are forced to play this role constantly and they’re criticized for wanting anything else.

    I don’t see being a mother as a taboo in our society. I see it as a trap. I know that mothers are inevitably forced to choose one or the other – a life for themselves or a life lived solely for their children. Many women make this choice despite the difficulties, despite the compromised position it puts them in, because they want to have children.

    Men want women to be at home because it makes their lives easier. They can father their children but they don’t have to take care of them. They can use their job as a constant excuse to neglect their familial and domestic responsibilities. They can use their job as a reason for being abusive and disrespectful to their wives while garnering respect and praise from their peers.

    Because their wife is “home all day”, she’s expected to be the maid, picking up after him, doing his chores, cooking for him. Women choose to do this for their children DESPITE the fact that their husbands often end up treating them as little more than hired help. Saying “I love you” doesn’t take the place of demonstrating that you do.

    Men and women in our society don’t respect mothers or motherhood. Mothers wield less power in our society. The term “soccer mom” is used derisively all the time to dismiss the opinions of stay-at-home mothers and depict them as being out of touch with the rest of the world. All of these reasons are part of why less women are stay-at-home moms.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    From what you I written I understand that you believe if a woman chooses motherhood it should come first and I agree entirely. However why shouldn’t a woman have both a career and children. For centuries men have enjoyed the benifits of a family and a work life. Pahaps men should realise that if they want women to be empowered and to benift from a dual income they should step up and do their fair share. A relationship should be about an equal partnership and that includes “housework” and childrearing. Going to work and making money isn’t enough. Men are just as capable as women at being caring and loving and they are issing out by not taking such an active role with children. The biggest failure of feminism has been to create a system where women have it all but have to do it all. Its time to recognise that just as women have adopted a more masculine role men need to adopt a more femine role. Here’s to househusbands!

  9. daveross Says:

    Thak you both for your contribution. I think that a good modern interpretation of family would be for the man to stay at home and the woman to work if it suits both parties. My concern in all of this is the children. It is just better if there is a parent at home to meet, greet, discuss, educate, care for the children. The deterioration of societies youth is linked to this and there has to be change. What’s wrong with being a parent?

  10. Willy Wonker Says:

    Agree one hundred percent !
    Women are born to with smaller feet so they can stand nearer the kitchen sink !
    Schools should re introduce domestic science and needle work lessons for all girls.

  11. Jim Grizzlewinkle Says:

    Fear not my friend, you are not alone in your views, there are many of us sexist Victor Meldrew’s out there. Unite !
    Keep up the good work.
    Jim Grizzlewinkle.
    Farters For Justice

  12. daveross Says:

    Willy & Jim? Thanks for your opinions not sure I’m sexist or that the smaller feet joke(?) is very new, appropriate or funny but I appreciate your support. I think.

  13. Maxinquaye Says:

    It seems to me that you either work with or for female managers, and this makes you feel rather emasculated because you feel that men should be at the top of any chain of command regardless of how inept or incompetent they are.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that when cavewomen were at home cooking and nursing their young, cavemen were out harnessing fire and inventing the wheel. Thing is, it’s man’s fault that women seem to believe they have an active role to play in business today. We could have stopped it long ago (or maybe never have let it start), but their back-biting, bitchy nature has fucked UK industry so much over the last 30 years that it couldn’t do anything BUT cause resentment from old-fashioned conservatives such as you and I.

    Case in point: ever tried taking a few days off from work due to “man’s problems”? Call your boss on Monday morning and see how far you get…

  14. daveross Says:

    This isn’t about men vs women in the workplace, at home or anywhere. It is just about the importance of motherhood and my fear that it is being diminished. Replaced by a misplaced desire to be all things to everyone and not everything to your children.


  15. […] for comments has calmed and I now really don’t care what people think although the post on https://daveross.wordpress.com/2007/04/03/women-at-work-whats-wrong-with-being-a-mother/ created a stir and comments I really wasn’t expecting. It can only be described as […]


  16. […] wrote a post on Women At Work it caused a stir, upset some feminists and some others but it’s something I hold a view on […]

  17. Genevieve Says:

    I agreed with this. At first. When you said “When did being a wife and mother become something to be avoided, sneered at or a sexist point of view.” I was almost applauding you.

    Then you said “This desperation to prove themselves in a man’s role is so misguided”, and I immediatley see where your problem is.

    I want to become something great. An author, a PhD in Philosophy, one of the most widely known and appreciated scholars in her field. I don’t want to do this to “prove myself in a man’s role”, I do it for myself.

    You seem to have confused “motherhood” with “parenthood”. Why are you so desperate to believe that men play such a little part in their children’s lives? Why does it have to be a “stay-at-home-mother”? Why can’t it be a “stay-at-home-father”?

    But apart from those two statements, I can see your point of view and understand it. To some extent, I even agree with it.

  18. daveross Says:

    Hi, thank you for your comments. I understand I probably crossed the line with that comment but it was intended for the extreme feminist who insists on being a builder, fireman etc. The ones that demean motherhood. In this day and age I have no problem with “stay at home fathers”.I have played a full part in my childrens upbinging working with my wife and my children have benifited from it. They are our children, we are their parents.
    I applaud anyone male or female who wishes for a full and successfull career and I wish you every success. I’m sure that when the day comes that you wish to start a family you will put the good of you children first. I am only too aware of how hard it is for modern families. Thanks again.

  19. Genevieve Says:

    That line about “desperation to prove themselves in a man’s role is so misguided” was probably the only thing in the above post I extremely disliked, having read your comment.

    I am very annoyed and frustrated by extreme feminists, who have bastardised the word “feminist” which literally means “one who wants equality between the sexes”, as you can probably tell from my Blog where I devoted an entire post/rant to it. I feel they are fighting for the wrong things, and in wanting “equality” between the sexes they are victimising their own sex.

  20. linney Says:

    I think motherhood should be valued. As someone with a college degree who chose to stay at home until my youngest went to pre-kindergarten, I have to say that the people who gave me the most grief about staying home and raising my children were other educated women. So much for choice. Looks like we bought into the belief that this particular vocation was of no value.
    I was even told that I was wasting a fine mind on children.

    When I decided to stay at home and raise my children, it was after paying to have 3 children in daycare while my husband and I both worked. After handing over the majority of another paycheck to the care provider, stopping at KFC to pick up dinner because we were both too busy and to tired to cook, seeing 9 days worth of laundry piled up in my dirty house (my husband and I had a date to tackle once the kids were down for the night), opening up the fridge and not having any milk, cheese,bread or fruit for lunch the next day because it was my turn to shop and I hadn’t had time, I had am epiphany. I sat down with pencil and paper in hand. I figured out how much it actually costed my family financially for me to work outside the home. Gas from home to work, fast-food meals, daycare, late payment fees for videos, library books, payments that were sent out late. Don’t forget dry cleaning, memberships, parking,taxes on the extra income, makeup I wouldn’t wear if I wasn’t working, etc. After subtracting all the bills that come with being a full-time employee with 3 small children, I came to the conclusion that I was actually taking home and keeping approximately 800 hundred dollars a month to contribute to the family kitty. I was shocked. I asked my husband what would be the worst thing that would happen if one of us stayed at home with the kids and took care of the home? He said we would have to skip getting a new car, take a smaller vacation, go lighter on birthday and holiday gifts, reduce meals out to twice a month, switch to basic cable, do basic mending instead of buying new clothes when a button falls off, watch for sales and use coupons. We compared paychecks and I won! My was lower then his by a hundred dollars.

    Were things tight? Heck yes. People were use to us having money to burn and now we had to pick and choose where we spent it. I did a few consulting jobs on the side just to keep active in the field so that when I went back to work, there wouldn’t be a huge gap in my work history. I basically just made milk and shoe money. I relearned how to sew and also learned when it was more cost efficient to buy ready-made. I checked out cookbooks from the library to expand our available food options. We bought a really good double stroller and a radio-flyer wagon that allowed me to park my car when making short trips. We walked almost everywhere to keep from buying gas (I lost 15 pounds, canceled gym membership). I traded hand-me downs with other families, etc. Staying home and running a house while raising small children is work . Making the checkbook balance on one income is work. Missing adult contact during the day is hard. Having other women treat you as the enemy is painful. I wasn’t one of those people who would go around trying to convert or guilt people, mainly because I knew how much work goes into being a stay at home mom and I also knew that some people and some peoples finances weren’t suited for it.

    That unfortunately, was not how my friends felt about me. They basically started to treat me as a retard whenever we got together. “Oh, you wouldn’t know about the newest whatever because you’ve been at home and it would be a waste of time to tell you about it.” While guys would tell me “Man, I wish I could afford to have one of us stay home with the kids instead of shipping them off to daycare.”

    I really tried hard not to pull the “Love me , love my kids” act on them but we ended up growing apart anyway.

    My children are now fun loving, respectful, goofy, creative teenagers and a young adult. Would they have turned out well if I had not stayed at home? Thats like asking a short adult if they would have been a foot taller if they had eaten better as a child. While good nutrition has great effects on growth, so much also depends on too many factors that are unique to each family situation.

    Do I regret doing it? No.

  21. Melissa Says:

    hi…you have some interesting and great points. I am a woman, I am not sexist, and i can tell you with all the things life has thrown at me, I am not weak! (and neither man nor woman should ever feel they or others are!!!) – but i also believe that to create, bear, give brith to, raise and teach a child – another human life- is something amazing, beautiful, wonderful. We as women have this. It is something we are taking for granted and don’t put any emphasis on much thses days.
    I also feel in my own opinion that women and men can and should be allowed to do what ever they choose in life, and no one has the right to take that away.
    On the other hand i feel that a womans place – nor a mans place – is not staying at home, living a boring, petty life of dishes, cleaning, gossiping, reading hollywood trash magazines and looking elegant, pretending to be who we aren’t, being fragile and being the bane of all mankind.
    We each – man and woman- have roles that perhaps we need to look at and discuss openly with others of the opposite sex without fear of judgement, name calling, being called sexist or being oppressed. We need to nurture each other and praise each other as being worthy to one another.

    “The world of humanity has two wings – one is man, the other is woman. Not until each wing is fully developed and feathers each fully grown, can the bird of our world fly.”

    Peace.

  22. Melissa Says:

    PS: comment to linney: what a wonderful choice you made for yourself and your family! Thats great. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. It seems like you learnt so much about yourself and how to cope with a limited amount of money – something some people never learn to do.

    By the way, i wish to edit my comment earlier about people staying at home and basically not doing anything: It really was aimed at those who feel that they have to live that steryotypical lifestyle or to those who feel thats all women/men are good for. My point was that there’s more to it and more to life than that: that women and men can choose to stay at home if they wish, but still be working on the side – and that raising children and keeping your life and the family life going smoothly IS indeed full-time work! That we can put our mind to good use while still looking after children, being at home.
    My dad had a business at home so he could earn some money and still look after the kids after school, while my mum worked part-time.

    And as long as you are doing something you enjoy or atleast take the time out to do something you enjoy, then its ok! It is the choice we can make for our kids and ourselves. We can also choose not to. Some of us can not – but those who don’t shouldn’t judge those who do. It should be a shared and equal thing, a mutual choice and not one forced upon man or woman by others. Thanks for listening to my rantings.


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