Is Robert Mugabe the only world leader who hopes oil is never found in their country? In my new role as cheif Zimbabwe correspondent, Todays Problem Is reports…………..

OIL FOUND ON HARARE HOMESTEAD

News has reached us that a major oil strike has taken place in a downton Harare homestead. Farmer Solomon Bingo, was digging in his yard when he struck black gold. He told me in a secret interview “It was amazing, we can’t afford to flush our toilet anymore so I was digging out a new crapper in the back yard when whoosh I was covered in a black sticky mess. I called my wife and she told me I was a stupid bastard and not to walk that mess through the house. Anyway my mate Dispy Congo told me it’s oil you dickhead and I thought fuck me, what if Mugabe finds out I’m a dead rich man”

Early reports claim Mr Mugabe has denied these reports saying “There is no oil in Zimbabwe, these rumours are an attempt to distabilise my glorious country”.

George Bush has made a statement in which he has said, “The war against terror has no boundaries and our special services have been watching Mr Mugabe for some time and have evidence that he his hiding Osama Bin Laden, employing him as a gardener in one of his mansions. We will immediately despatch 10000 troops and will remove this harbourer of terrorists with immediate effect. I have always believed Zimbabwe was behind 9/11 and this news confirms my suspicions” off camera Todays Problem Is Washington reporter overheard Mr Bush saying “Daddy won’t belive it, I’m gonna get him more oil, where there’s muck there’s brass and guns and death and destruction and me, ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha”

Dave Ross

Zimbabwe

 

 

Petrol station charges £1.99 a litre

Enough now, £1.33 (£1.99 in some extreme cases) for a litre of diesel. An increase this year of more than 30%. If I’m right most oil companies made colossal profits last year charging £1.00 per litre, they would still make a huge profit this year if they still charged £1.00 per litre. Where is their loyalty to us, the long suffering customer? What can we do? Boycott the petrol stations, great idea but how do I get to work? Use another mode of transport? Getting across London on London Transport? No way, it’s more expensive, it takes longer and it stinks? I’m sorry this is 2008 if I want to drive, I’ll drive! Which is where the oil companies have us over a barrell. Most of us can afford the extra cost, in real terms it costs me an extra £ 5-6 per week. The oil companies know this and will keep the rise going for as long as they feel so inclined, it has nothing to do with the extra cost of oil it is greed, does it really matter to them if they make £20 billion this year or £10 billion? It’s the sheer arrogance, the misuse and abuse of a natural resource for enormous personal profit. I don’t want to get all green but while I have no objection to paying a fair price for the efforts of pumping, refining, delivering and supplying diesel I don’t want to be taken from the rear by pump number 4 thank you very much.

Our government stand idly by letting this highway robbery go ahead, where’s the monoplies commission when you need them? Alternatively if they don’t want to upset their greasy benefactors then reduce the rate of tax on fuel by 30% to level things up. The irony of my fuel tax paying for our soldiers to fight a war to protect oil fields to keep down the price of fuel is not lost on me. Thanks for your efforts Mr Brown an opportunity to DO something passes you by again, you really are a waste of skin and bones.

Finally when are the car manufacturers going to role out alternative fuel vehicles that are accessible to all? Fuck the oil companies I’d drive a steam powered car if I could.

This is all part of the biggest conspiracy of all time, the Bush family continue to line their pockets while innocent men, women and children die. Troops are wiped out protecting what? Fighting who? None of us really know the truth we can only surmise at the sheer magnitude of the black, sticky mess on the sole of our collective conscience.

So when I finally pay £2.00 per litre and decide it’s time to by a scooter it won’t matter, no-one cares and nobody can do anything about it. Like a latter day Marie Antoinette, the conspiritors can say “Diesel, let them use unleaded”. Fuck them all, I’m off to get some diesel before the pumps run dry!